In a perfect world everyone would get along at all times. Differences of opinion would be interesting facets of personality that we'd laugh about and move onto the next discussion. Disagreements would be settled amicably and we would all just get along.
We all know that this isn't the world we live in. Competing priorities and stressed out co-workers and customers lead to conflict and aggression, which is sure to arouse some emotion in the recipient. If you respond to aggression emotionally then it becomes conflict – a highly charged exchange that will most likely cause pain on both sides.
So when presented with aggression what are the potential responses? And what is your typical reaction?
Returning fire is a defensive mechanism aimed at moving the aggression from you to someone else. Unfortunately this can also escalate the situation.
An overt aggressive response is not only a displacement of aggression from you to someone else, it typically involves the displacement of blame. If you blame the person you are addressing then the conflict will escalate, most likely into unprofessional territory that you'll later regret. If you blame a third person then you will most likely alienate your relationship with that individual, or betray their trust. In summary, the overt aggressive response is a maladaptive reaction, especially at work.
The covert response is often referred to as being passive aggressive. The intention of aggression is to relieve tension within yourself and invariably direct it elsewhere. The passive aggressive individual may seemingly accept criticism on the surface, but then act aggressively in all non-verbal activity. Phones may be slammed (although not as effective with mobiles), there may be huffing and puffing, loud sighing, nasty looks, lack of co-operation and general impatience. The covert aggressive response sends a message to all that "I'm angry". It's just done without words.
Passive aggressive responses usually come from people who lack the communication skills or assertiveness to express displeasure or discuss issues that have upset them or that they do not agree with.
Some people choose not to respond at all. They accept aggression as being part of the workplace and seemingly "take it on the chin" and simply carry on with their day. They may have grown up bottling their feelings. It may be with a bowed head and sunken shoulders, but this type of response tends to be internal. The person that does this often takes the aggression as personal criticism, and takes it seriously. While this approach may let you keep your job and you will avoid any type of explosive situation that may burn bridges – the unhealthy outcome is that your self-esteem will suffer.
The best and healthiest reaction to aggression is a calm logical response. This avoids escalation. Some people have the ability to absorb, or deflect the aggression in favour of addressing the logic of the issue. Emotion is replaced with fact-finding and discussion. This response disarms the aggressor, whether they be a colleague or customer, as it stops being an issue of "me versus you".
The emotions are addressed as the calm and direct response investigates the reasons for the aggression, and looks for ways to ease and understand it. This approach is best as it leaves the aggressor seeing their own behaviour and maybe even feeling a little foolish, and will leave your own respect intact and possibly enhanced.
Departments within an organisation often have different priorities – a natural starting position for a conflict and aggression to surface. As managers fight and argue over resources the conflict is clear and understandable – but that doesn't really provide a solution.
When conflict arises within a team, or across teams the best resolution comes from returning to the position of shared vision. What do we agree on? What are we both striving for? If we remind ourselves of an aligned path it helps to avoid conflict and overcome differences.
A successful manager will, in this situation, arbitrate the conflict with an emphasis on the central vision. If the overarching purpose of the project, strategy or organisation is reinforced, both parties will walk away with a better understanding of what is expected of them and the support they will be afforded in achieving these expectations.
We all have a choice about how we react and it makes for a great workplace when everyone can remain rational, factual and aligned to an agreed vision.
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