How do you handle conflict?

How do you handle conflict?

Every so often we are presented with aggression. Someone has taken offence to something we have done or said, or perhaps we're being held accountable for something we didn't even do. Sometimes it's all due to the other person having a very bad day and you being in the vicinity at the time.

In a perfect world everyone would get along at all times. Differences of opinion would be interesting facets of personality that we'd laugh about and move onto the next discussion. Disagreements would be settled amicably and we would all just get along.

We all know that this isn't the world we live in. Competing priorities and stressed out co-workers and customers lead to conflict and aggression, which is sure to arouse some emotion in the recipient. If you respond to aggression emotionally then it becomes conflict – a highly charged exchange that will most likely cause pain on both sides.

So when presented with aggression what are the potential responses? And what is your typical reaction?

Overt aggressive response

Returning fire is a defensive mechanism aimed at moving the aggression from you to someone else. Unfortunately this can also escalate the situation.

An overt aggressive response is not only a displacement of aggression from you to someone else, it typically involves the displacement of blame. If you blame the person you are addressing then the conflict will escalate, most likely into unprofessional territory that you'll later regret. If you blame a third person then you will most likely alienate your relationship with that individual, or betray their trust. In summary, the overt aggressive response is a maladaptive reaction, especially at work.

Covert aggressive response

The covert response is often referred to as being passive aggressive. The intention of aggression is to relieve tension within yourself and invariably direct it elsewhere. The passive aggressive individual may seemingly accept criticism on the surface, but then act aggressively in all non-verbal activity. Phones may be slammed (although not as effective with mobiles), there may be huffing and puffing, loud sighing, nasty looks, lack of co-operation and general impatience. The covert aggressive response sends a message to all that "I'm angry". It's just done without words.

Passive aggressive responses usually come from people who lack the communication skills or assertiveness to express displeasure or discuss issues that have upset them or that they do not agree with.

Passive response

Some people choose not to respond at all. They accept aggression as being part of the workplace and seemingly "take it on the chin" and simply carry on with their day. They may have grown up bottling their feelings. It may be with a bowed head and sunken shoulders, but this type of response tends to be internal. The person that does this often takes the aggression as personal criticism, and takes it seriously. While this approach may let you keep your job and you will avoid any type of explosive situation that may burn bridges – the unhealthy outcome is that your self-esteem will suffer.

Calm and direct response

The best and healthiest reaction to aggression is a calm logical response. This avoids escalation. Some people have the ability to absorb, or deflect the aggression in favour of addressing the logic of the issue. Emotion is replaced with fact-finding and discussion. This response disarms the aggressor, whether they be a colleague or customer, as it stops being an issue of "me versus you".

The emotions are addressed as the calm and direct response investigates the reasons for the aggression, and looks for ways to ease and understand it. This approach is best as it leaves the aggressor seeing their own behaviour and maybe even feeling a little foolish, and will leave your own respect intact and possibly enhanced.

Organisations creating conflicting goals

Departments within an organisation often have different priorities – a natural starting position for a conflict and aggression to surface. As managers fight and argue over resources the conflict is clear and understandable – but that doesn't really provide a solution.

When conflict arises within a team, or across teams the best resolution comes from returning to the position of shared vision. What do we agree on? What are we both striving for? If we remind ourselves of an aligned path it helps to avoid conflict and overcome differences.

A successful manager will, in this situation, arbitrate the conflict with an emphasis on the central vision. If the overarching purpose of the project, strategy or organisation is reinforced, both parties will walk away with a better understanding of what is expected of them and the support they will be afforded in achieving these expectations.

We all have a choice about how we react and it makes for a great workplace when everyone can remain rational, factual and aligned to an agreed vision.

10 ways to beat the stress attack

“No matter how successful, thriving, or seemingly secure any business appears, there are no longer periods of calm seas for leaders in any industry,” he writes.

Menkes has based his book on interviews with 60 present and retired CEOs and analysis of data from the performance reviews of 200 high-performing candidates for CEO roles in major corporations. He has come up with three key strategies to lead effectively in an environment of constant stress and complexity.

1. Be a realistic optimist

Menkes’ first rule of thumb is to practice realistic optimism. “People with this trait possess confidence without self-delusion or irrationality,” he says.

2. Have a clear sense of purpose

According to Menkes in Better Under Pressure, effective leaders have a crystal-clear idea of what they are working towards, they find complex problems invigorating, and love inspiring their staff and themselves to work effectively. This mindset keeps stress at bay.

“Their level of dedication to their work is a direct result of the extraordinary, remarkable importance they place on their goal,” he says. And having professional goals is fundamental, giving them a sense of purpose. “That goal is their master and their reason for being,” says Menkes.

The CEO of consulting firm ChangeLabs Peter Sheahan lives by these principles. He sets three-year goals for revenue, markets and profitability; sets annual strategic imperatives and quarterly priorities. This strategy is backed by weekly planning, rather than daily.

“It gives you enough perspective to stay aligned to your plans, and still enough detail to ensure you know your activities for that week,” he says. Sheahan never sets more than five annual imperatives, to avoid overload. “The value of the bigger picture goals is that in the middle of a peak in stress, you can step back and assess how things really are.”

3. Find order in chaos

No one is going to do their best thinking in a state of high anxiety. Sheahan agrees with the stress-busting value in being able to manage disorder and identify what needs to be worked on to move forward.

“If we don’t, tension and stress levels spiral quickly,” says Sheahan. “I find my tension builds when I am uncertain what I am working on, and more specifically unsure what my clients or teams expectations of me are.”

Beyond Menkes’ three big stress busters, there are other approaches to stress management that are proven to keep stress levels under control.

4. Think long-term

Craig Errey, managing director of business technology consultancy PTG Global, works with clients including the Federal Government and Virgin Blue. Experience has taught Errey the value of the long-term perspective.

“This week might be crap, I’ve got cashflow issues because customers aren’t paying fast enough, but on average things will even out,” he says. Errey learnt the benefits on a long-term view through the Global Financial Crisis. “It’s about prioritising, focusing on the longer term. Through the GFC, we didn’t forcibly fire or downsize; we focused on product and customers and kept an even keel.”

5. Remember the woolly mammoth

When we are stressed, our heart rates increase, our adrenalin glands secrete adrenalin, our hormone levels increase, our blood pressure increases, our breathing changes and we start to sweat. Heath and fitness coach Amelia Burton has been training CEOs, ladies who lunch and everyone in between for more than 14 years; one her most high-profile recruits is MasterChef’s Matt Preston. In Burton’s experience, people cope with stress differently. A housewife can be more stressed out than a globetrotting 100-hour-a-week M&A lawyer; it all depends on how they manage stress.

Burton uses the analogy of the caveman under stress, deciding whether to fight the woolly mammoth or flee the scene. “The body is meant to fight or flight,” she says. In those days when the woolly mammoth is taken care of, the body could relax and return to normal. Nowadays, with constant stress, it is harder to turn off the symptoms of stress. Burton prescribes high-intensity exercise (“something that gets you out of breath”), followed by a cool-down (telling your body the woolly mammoth has gone and you can relax). This turns off the stress.

6. Understand there are simple strategies to avoid “choking” under pressure – like humming

Chicago-based Sian Beilock uses a diverse range of testing methods including functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) in her research, to understand the brain science behind performance. Her laboratory at Chicago University is investigating what makes people choke under pressure. (Greg Norman, are you listening?) “Companies are really operating in a period of prolonged stress,” she says.

Beilock has been studying people doing a range of stressful tasks, written tests, memory exercises, public speaking and even golf putting. “There are lots of similarities between hitting a golf putt and giving a pitch to clients. Both activities can fail if people think about it too much,” she says. They fall into the trap of analysis paralysis. Beilock’s bestselling book, Choke: What the secrets of the brain reveal about getting it right when you have to, has implications for anyone wanting to boost performance under stress.

Beilock’s techniques to avoid choking have a lot to do with how our working memory functions. The research includes testing how distraction techniques such as whistling or humming can help a person avoid choking. Even spending just 10 minutes writing down worries can make a dramatic difference to the outcome of a stressful test. “Doing things that prevent you from over attending, trying to deconstruct everything you are saying, can be beneficial,” she says. So start humming.

7. Identify what you can and cannot control

For Errey, this GFC was his third major economic downturn. “I cannot control the economic climate; there is no point worrying about it in a way that is unhealthy,” he says. Instead, he will concentrate on metrics within his control. “What our sales effort look like, what our working capital look like, what my people doing,” he says.

8. Exercise and diet are fundamental

During the MasterChef Australia series, Matt Preston’s health and fitness coach Amelia Burton finds it excruciating to watch her cravat-sporting client tucking into yet another piece of deep-fried pork belly or smashed strawberry pavlova with double cream. When Preston turns up the next morning for his training session, Burton will have planned an extra punishing regime to combat the calories from last night, often forgetting that the show is taped weeks ahead and Preston had stuck to his soup for dinner regime.

Preston is typical of so many: working long hours, with travel obligations that leave them vulnerable to fatty, salty, sugary foods. She prescribes high-intensity exercise to break the cycle. Even after one session, Burton sees how much “looser” Preston is. From there, new habits form such as ditching the fourth coffee and switching to herbal tea. “A lot of executives have such a competitive streak. I tap into that,” she says. “Then you get the big transformation.”

9. Know your stress limits

A simple test of how stressed you are is to see how shallow your breathing is. Pace one hand on the abdomen, the other high on the chest. See where the movement is. It should be in the belly, the centre of healthy, deep breathing. “In correct diaphramic breathing, the upper hand shouldn’t move,” says Burton.

Other classic signs of stress include:

• anxiety and panic attacks
• stiff neck and shoulders and rapid heart rate
• craving fatty, sugary or salty foods
• excessive weight gain or loss
• 4pm slump and reliance on sugary drinks
• irritability, mood swings and insomnia
• physical breakdown, from a bulging disc to heart attack
• using alcohol or drugs to blow off steam
• infertility

According to Burton, a little bit of stress is okay, particularly if it is managed with exercise, sleep and eating well. From her experience, a person’s job does not determine their stress levels. “I worked with the CEO of McDonald’s, and he was always calm and relaxed. Then I would be training a housewife who was at meltdown. Stress is a personal reaction to a personal situation. Some people cope better with stress than others,” she says.

In an attempt to get everything done, Sheahan says, “we massively overestimate what we can achieve, and massively underestimate life's ability to interrupt us. So do less, better. Have fewer goals and priorities. Less scheduled activity every week. And nail the big ones.”

10. And there’s always the boxed set or…

Sheahan cracks a box set of The West Wing or Boston Legal when he needs to unwind. “They are my escape,” he says. Craig Errey has a secret weapon against stress. The devout atheist has a thing for renaissance polyphony, in particular the Tallis Scholars (click here).

Dean Homicki, the CEO of thriving tactile indicator firm DTAC, might be on to something when he says that “old-fashioned is the new fast lane” when it comes to stress. “Just being still, or say growing a garden, or maybe even the extreme action of a quiet stroll.” It might sound old-fashioned but it works.